Monday, February 22, 2010

Square one

Wow, I was overwhelmed by the awesome comments to my last post. You guys are the BEST! I knew a lot of you would know exactly why a comment like that would get me going due to all the underlying emotions and sensitivity! So I’m glad I put my raw feelings there.

Wouldn’t it be so great if we could be as kind to ourselves as we are to each other? People often refer to there being a lot of pressure out there on certain groups like women, young people, working mothers etc but it is nothing compared to the pressure we put on ourselves. The problem for me is, the more negative feelings I have like feeling overwhelmed by pressure, expectation, guilt and so on, the less productive and more rebellious I become! (Self-sabotage?) Frustrating pattern.

Anyway, as April puts it, ‘extra fluff’ got to the point where I couldn’t ignore it anymore so I had a long overdue date with Mr calipers yesterday to find out I’m a hairsbreath away from SQUARE ONE. I did ok immediately post comp but seemed to drop the ball just prior to Christmas and a month off work. I knew maintenance would be a different kind of hard work from dieting and I had a lot of trouble staying focused. I also went through a patch of depression where I didn’t care enough to treat myself well and watch what I was eating.

So the calipers’ reading was sufficient to shock me back into some kind of plan of attack to strip off some of the excess and start to feel more confident again. Sometimes the ‘numbers’ are a good way to take the emotion out of the equation. I know what to do, its just a case of doing it and watching the numbers come down. On Saturday I wrote and began a plan and realized that it was exactly 20 weeks from INBA’s All Females comp in July this year (which I plan on attending). Its extremely tempting to jump in and think great, I will compete in that and there’s my motivation – easy.

What I’m struggling with is that without a goal like competing, it seems extremely difficult right now to muster any sort of positive motivation. My motivation is more from discomfort and a sense of disappoint with myself. This will work fine to get me going but what happens when I start to feel good again? How do we avoid the self-sabotage then? I'm going to have to work very hard at this.

I will give myself a goal with a timeframe to get back to a ‘happy place’. But I think I need to accept that this is a journey without an ending. I did get to a place where I felt very confident with my habits and discipline and I can get there again. But I have to be aware that staying in such a frame of mind requires a lot of attention. We all fall down sometimes and it can be a slippery slope. Thanks for helping me up!


Charlotte Orr said...

Hi Steph, I am in the same situation as you - trying to lose weight I put on after competing at the end of 2008 then having a really bad 2009. It's tempting to use a comp date to help motivate myself to get back into shape, but the weight will come back again. I'm trying to be patient (it's hard) and just keep plugging away until I find myself in a body I'm happy to be in all the time. And then stay there. I reckon that will be harder than a comp prep anyway. Good luck.

Ali - MesoCorp said...

haha I looove the wonder woman pics! See you are just as nerdy as I am!
Everything you said above is so true. Maintenance is a whole other devil to deal with. Avoiding the scales and the calipers is very tempting but you've taken the plunge and if getting leaner is what you want then I'm proud of you for taking that gutsy step.
Ps. Glad your not considering the all females! xx

Anonymous said...

Hey Steph, we have all trodden the path you find yourself on. You can't be at square one anyway; you have learned too much so far to ever be back there. Maybe phrase it "level two point one"? Whereas you were once at "level one point one". (The beep test finally has a practical use!)

ss2306 said...

Thinking of you.
Feeling for you.
I understand.
It's not your fault.
Love yourself.

KRISTIN said...

Hey Steph. I totally understand the want to compete again... it's tempting as it's an easier goal to get the unwanted weight off (I put it on too), but you are right, we all need to work at this never ending goal of maintaining. I'm here with you and totally understand. We CAN do this chicky! We've conquered big things already and now we have to take another big step :)

Lauren said...

Hi Steph, you are like my pre-deceasor....the one who went before me (except I am older than you are!! lol!!!) You have travelled the road that I am on now, and your companion along the way is the same as mine (JD, not Ali!) So, I am always interested to hear how the 'after-life' (after comp life) is going.

I don't have any advice as I am not sure what it feels like to be at that point yet, but I do agree with the others in that being happy and free of guilt is the 'ideal' place to live. just need to punch that into the GPS to find out how to get there!! hehehehe!! Once you have got there, let us all know the directions.

Keep strong, use Ali as support and climb back to your happy place, one day at a time!

Nicole said...

Hey Steph - whether competing or not, maintenance is unfortunately just one of those things that some of us need to work at harder than others (and yep - I know a lot of chicks that have those lovely skinny genes and no eating issues!! Grrr).

Anyway, hang in there - it's all part of the journey and you will no doubt find yourself back at a weight/calliper reading that you are comfortable with soon enough. Like Kate said, you can't be back at square one because you have so much more knowledge than what you had before :)

Nicole xx

Casey said...

Hey Steph,

I've been having those same thought processes too. Its difficult to try and keep the motivation & discipline high without the accountability that comp brings. For me, if I try to make good choices most of the time, and be content when I decide to to let my hair down thats a pretty cool balance.


Michelle said...

I'm a little slow to catch up but I'll say DITTO.

If you're interested we could buddy up over in LindyLand? I'm finally getting things rolling. As you said ppl asking when you're going to compete next is so frustrating. Even if they are loved ones and mean well.

For incredible info, advice and support- get involved!