Slow start

My name is Stephanie and I’m a sugar addict! Haha, that’s what my withdrawal symptoms over the first few days told me.. Its not like I was ever gorging myself on chocolate bars however, a sudden switch over to a super clean regime (NO processed food) caused my sweet tooth to go ballistic!

There’s also a lot of head games at the beginning (when you’ve reached the point where you know you need to tighten things up). I knew the first few days would be difficult coming to terms with being on any kind of meal plan. Its like I have an inner child that’s trying to rebel against any kind of rules and I have to drag her kicking and screaming through it. I am distracting her as much as possible and placating with promise of a treat meal at the end of the week! (This works for me)

The good news is time passes and it gets easier. I have always found that once the momentum gets going you a) know you can do it and b) realise its well worth the effort.

I’d like to reach a ‘happy skins place’ in about eight weeks. I can’t wait to get this first week done so I can report some good results!

Following that, its crack number two at the maintenance game. Everyone is agreeing that this is the difficult part -You can relax a little … but nowhere near as much as you’d like to! So I’ll keep food journaling and blog as much as I can. I know that to be as lean as I’d like to be I’ll need to monitor things. I don’t want to come across as being obsessed with my weight, I just want to do what it takes! Hell, if I had an i-phone and more time on my hands I’d totally be one of those bloggers who posts little pictures of their meals. Its amusing how we’re all fascinated by what others are eating- lol!

Kate is also right about ‘square one’. I may be frighteningly close to the body fat I was at the beginning of my journey but I have so much more experience under my belt! Back then I thought I couldn’t possibly get any leaner because I was already doing enough exercise and didn’t know how to manipulate my meal plan.

I’m going to be a little tough on myself during these eight weeks just in order to get the job done. I really appreciate the comments that the weight gain was not my fault however, I am the one whose been overeating so I take responsibility for that. The depression was not my fault but I need to keep working on ways to deal with my emotions rather than turning to food, however extreme. Sugar and caffeine might produce an instant rush of feeling good but eating well and training is what makes us feel better ALL the time J

Square one

Wow, I was overwhelmed by the awesome comments to my last post. You guys are the BEST! I knew a lot of you would know exactly why a comment like that would get me going due to all the underlying emotions and sensitivity! So I’m glad I put my raw feelings there.

Wouldn’t it be so great if we could be as kind to ourselves as we are to each other? People often refer to there being a lot of pressure out there on certain groups like women, young people, working mothers etc but it is nothing compared to the pressure we put on ourselves. The problem for me is, the more negative feelings I have like feeling overwhelmed by pressure, expectation, guilt and so on, the less productive and more rebellious I become! (Self-sabotage?) Frustrating pattern.

Anyway, as April puts it, ‘extra fluff’ got to the point where I couldn’t ignore it anymore so I had a long overdue date with Mr calipers yesterday to find out I’m a hairsbreath away from SQUARE ONE. I did ok immediately post comp but seemed to drop the ball just prior to Christmas and a month off work. I knew maintenance would be a different kind of hard work from dieting and I had a lot of trouble staying focused. I also went through a patch of depression where I didn’t care enough to treat myself well and watch what I was eating.

So the calipers’ reading was sufficient to shock me back into some kind of plan of attack to strip off some of the excess and start to feel more confident again. Sometimes the ‘numbers’ are a good way to take the emotion out of the equation. I know what to do, its just a case of doing it and watching the numbers come down. On Saturday I wrote and began a plan and realized that it was exactly 20 weeks from INBA’s All Females comp in July this year (which I plan on attending). Its extremely tempting to jump in and think great, I will compete in that and there’s my motivation – easy.

What I’m struggling with is that without a goal like competing, it seems extremely difficult right now to muster any sort of positive motivation. My motivation is more from discomfort and a sense of disappoint with myself. This will work fine to get me going but what happens when I start to feel good again? How do we avoid the self-sabotage then? I'm going to have to work very hard at this.

I will give myself a goal with a timeframe to get back to a ‘happy place’. But I think I need to accept that this is a journey without an ending. I did get to a place where I felt very confident with my habits and discipline and I can get there again. But I have to be aware that staying in such a frame of mind requires a lot of attention. We all fall down sometimes and it can be a slippery slope. Thanks for helping me up!

Public Property

Warning: the post below could be described as an emotional venting over reaction… but I’m going to go right ahead anyway.

I just ran into someone at work that I hadn’t seen since last year. I don’t even know this person and to be honest, never really liked them either – you know how you just speak to some people to be polite? Well this was our brief conversation today:

Her: “Hey are you still doing your running thing?”
Me: “Um I don’t run…. I just go to the gym and do weights”
Her: “Weren’t you training for some race or something?”
Me: “Oh no, I was dieting for a figure/body sculpting competition last year… it was in September”.
*She pauses to look me up and down*
Her: “Well wow, you look really different now. Aren’t you training anymore?”

I don’t think people realise how devastating they can be. I still weight train just as often, I’m just doing less cardio and not dieting anymore!

I’m so tired of discussing it. I’m tired of talking about why I’m eating salad, why I’m eating cake, why I’ve lost weight, why I’ve gained weight – tired of my eating habits and weight being judged and commented on… I’m tired of my a$$ being public property!

I’m obviously feeling quite self conscious right now. I know most people don’t really understand the sport. I know a lot of the judgement is probably in my head. At the end of the day no one gives a shit if I’m on a diet or not so why comment? I wish I could have a thicker skin. I feel like on a diet I have to be apologetic for being too thin and not joining in with food and off a diet I have to feel guilty for all of a sudden not having the ‘iron discipline’ I seemed to have before! Thinking about this too much is doing my head in and it turns me off the idea of competing again. I feel like if I did, I’d flatly refuse to discuss it at all – If they were really interested I could just direct them here to my blog!

I’m sick of politely answering questions such as the one above. I know she didn’t mean to be rude but… poor little sensitive me obviously took offence. So what is the best way to fob off such remarks? What would your reaction have been?

Public Property

Warning: the post below could be described as an emotional venting over reaction… but I’m going to go right ahead anyway.

I just ran into someone at work that I hadn’t seen since last year. I don’t even know this person and to be honest, never really liked them either – you know how you just speak to some people to be polite? Well this was our brief conversation today:

Her: “Hey are you still doing your running thing?”
Me: “Um I don’t run…. I just go to the gym and do weights”
Her: “Weren’t you training for some race or something?”
Me: “Oh no, I was dieting for a figure/body sculpting competition last year… it was in September”.
*She pauses to look me up and down*
Her: “Well wow, you look really different now. Aren’t you training anymore?”

I don’t think people realise how devastating they can be. I still weight train just as often, I’m just doing less cardio and not dieting anymore!

I’m so tired of discussing it. I’m tired of talking about why I’m eating salad, why I’m eating cake, why I’ve lost weight, why I’ve gained weight – tired of my eating habits and weight being judged and commented on… I’m tired of my a$$ being public property!

I’m obviously feeling quite self conscious right now. I know most people don’t really understand the sport. I know a lot of the judgement is probably in my head. At the end of the day no one gives a shit if I’m on a diet or not so why comment? I wish I could have a thicker skin. I feel like on a diet I have to be apologetic for being too thin and not joining in with food and off a diet I have to feel guilty for all of a sudden not having the ‘iron discipline’ I seemed to have before! Thinking about this too much is doing my head in and it turns me off the idea of competing again. I feel like if I did, I’d flatly refuse to discuss it at all – If they were really interested I could just direct them here to my blog!

I’m sick of politely answering questions such as the one above. I know she didn’t mean to be rude but… poor little sensitive me obviously took offence. So what is the best way to fob off such remarks? What would your reaction have been?

Detox?

Have you ever been on a detox program? I’m curious to hear about people’s understanding of this term and experiences with it.

My experience to date has been limited and negative. About ten years ago ( I was 14) my mum and I embarked on a popular ‘liver cleansing’ detox which basically involved eating no solid food for at least a week, rather to consume vegetable juice and various herbal teas.

Not really knowing much about it I jumped on the bandwagon and did not consume any food for seven days, I think on the seventh day I vomited purple (beetroot juice) all over our carpet… mmm! Now, I’ve read a lot of testimonies from people who claim to have cured themselves from various diseases, even cancer by going on such detoxes. However, for a healthy 14 year old girl what do you think was the greatest attraction? Yep, I lost 5kg in that week (mostly water and some muscle no doubt). Its so sad, I distinctly remember looking at myself in the mirror and thinking wow, I’ll never eat again! Cue the yo yo dieting that commenced a few years later!

My mum’s biggest hobby is researching and spending lots of money on natural/alternative remedies and although I wouldn’t call her a ‘hypochondriac’ I don’t think I’ve ever asked her how she was and heard her reply ‘good or well’. (A “Bloody fantastic!” would be even better …one day perhaps!) She was a registered nurse for many years so is no stranger to conventional medicine but I guess prefers to use drugs etc as a last resort. I spoke to her recently and she was about to go on another liver cleansing program (she has probably done it a few times over the last decade) and insists that it is a great way to give the internal organs a break/recover from the stress we put on them.

I challenged this idea with the notion that, instead of bombarding our bodies with toxins such as sugar and alcohol and then periodically fasting; shouldn’t we seek to limit the amount of punishment we inflict on our livers/kidneys etc in the first place? When is starving yourself ever a good idea?

Most of the more general detox diets seem to require no caffeine, sugar or alcohol, less dairy, red meat, more vegetables etc for a certain period of time. Is this just code for a healthy diet? I guess I don’t like the way that detoxes imply a temporary change in eating habits rather than encouraging people to eat this way as consistently as possible. Its also a subjective term I guess as each person may need to 'detox' from something different than the next person. I would say my biggest challenges are caffeine and oversized portions when eating off plan/something I haven’t pre-prepared.

Being grateful

Hi all
Hope you’re all out there training hard, eating well and doing whatever else it is that makes you happy! I was back at work all of 5 seconds when I got struck down with a tummy virus for almost a week. Today is my first day back at work and although I often complain about my desk job it feels sooo good to feel normal and do something productive! Never never never take your health for granted! It’s one of the simple things most of us can usually be grateful for almost everyday.

I watched a lot of Oprah during my week on the couch and yesterday saw her interview with the lady who got mauled by her boss’ ‘pet’ chimpanzee. Did you hear about that a little while ago? She wanted to be able to reveal her face on her own terms rather than let the papparazzi get a shot of her. I don’t know if you’ve seen her face but the injuries were horrific and they had to remove her eyes. Our society places such pressure on women to maintain their appearances and it all feels very trivial when you hear about survival stories like this. You might think you'd rather die but when Oprah (very sensitively) posed this kind of question to her it seemed almost offensive. Why would she rather have died when she is now in no pain and has a teenage daughter? On a day when I’m struggling with what to feel grateful for all I need to do is look out the window of my office at the sky.

I also watched a lot of reality type shows on the lifestyle channel such as ‘what not to wear’, ‘how to look good naked’ and ‘extraordinary weight stories’. Major theme being women generally feeling miserable about themselves, their looks and their bodies. Its nice to see attempts being made to make these women see that they are perfectly fine the way they are (perhaps just needing to take a little more pride in choice of clothes etc) rather than selling them stupid creams and ab rollers. I love it when the host says “I don’t want you to just accept your body the way it is, I want you to flaunt it!” lol. Its not about loving being fat, its about having confidence and treating yourself well. No one ever successfully and healthily lost weight by hating themselves.

I’d very much like to rid myself of the mindset ‘never good enough’. It’s a waste of a life.

So what are you grateful for? Right now I'm grateful that I feel well enough again to eat my broccoli without gagging :)